life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I looked at my own cervix.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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