how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
