UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
