if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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