i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
