watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
