high people should be assigned attendants
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
