I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
