I need help removing her.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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