I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
