I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
