i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
