If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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