I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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