I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
