The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
