why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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