Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We were destined to go to rehab together
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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