i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
