Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
