Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
