i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
