I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
