i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
bring money and cleavage
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
