Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
