So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
