u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
