no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
