Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
