Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
