my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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