i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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