Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
