If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
