I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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