I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
420 ftw
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
