i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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