Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
