So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
