Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
