Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
