I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
