Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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