i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
