I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
