The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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