Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
