You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
