In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
