i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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